Black Cloaks, Red Clouds, Purple Nail Polish

[ItachiRockstar]

Black Cloaks, Red Clouds, Purple Nail Polish

~Another Naruto fanfic by yours truly~

[Humor/Parody]--Tobi looks at Kisame and asks Kisame will you butter my muffin? Velveeta cheese is dangerous. Deidara sings pop and rap music. The Akatsuki at their best.

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Table of Contents:
1. Leader's Rules
2. Help Needed
3. Drive Me Crazy
4. Me & My Senpai
5. Cheesy Deposit
6. Toilet Talk
7. Itachi the Superstar

[ItachiRockstar]

Leader's Rules

Disclaimer: I do not own anything Naruto related except a Collector's magazine, a poster, and a bear that I affectionately call Mr. Itachi. I do own one seriously short circuited brain...

For those who do not know, I am the Akatsuki's assistant. My main job is to keep these "villains" in line and keep the house in order at all times. This is way easier said than done. Leader has given us all a list of rules to follow.

1.) No member is permitted at any time to kill another member. This includes, but is not limited to, cannibalism, the use of explosives, killer genjutsus such as Tsukuyomi, killer puppets, using any swords or scythes, and/or anything else that would result in the "Good Boy's" death. Or any other member for that matter. (Designed to protect Tobi.)

2.) No member is allowed to assign him/herself a mission without permission from the Leader. It is a waste of time to go on a search and rescue mission should you get lost.

3.) No one is to touch Itachi's hair or hair products he uses on his hair. Period. It is to always stay raven black.

4.) No one is to touch Deidara's hair or hair products she he uses on his hair. Period. It is to always stay butter yellow.

5.) After 12 a.m. (midnight) only one member to a bedroom. (anti-procreation) Leader doesn't want to be an uncle.

6.) No training within the headquarters--Leader wants his deposit back.

7.) No one is allowed to bring home strays. This includes all animals and humans.

8.) No one is allowed to bring home potential members. They must be cleared by the Leader first.

9.) If you eat or drink the last of an item, replace it. Leader doesn't want to hear Kakuzu's mouth about having to go buy groceries again.

10.) Keep all areas tidy. Leader is very picky.

11.) No one cares about your problems so there shall be no whining, gossiping, complaining or any variation of these three when he is present.

Leader has decided that since he will need more followers to help make his plan work (and that the "villains" he's working with now are slowly losing their minds), he created an Akatsuki ANBU who will specifically go out to complete missions and other tasks for him. On the other hand...the old members will be allowed to rest and catch up on their lives. New sub-ordinates will be accepted. Fan girls will find them. Itachi and Tobi will have medication problems...With the Akatsuki, the fun never ends.

Although Itachi wants it to...badly.

[ItachiRockstar]

Help Needed

Itachi sat quietly on the couch and watched one of his favorite movies "Mortal Kombat". Kisame was out in the back yard wading in the pool while Sasori tanned on the side. Kakuzu had locked himself in his room and was counting out money he had made from secretly selling some of Sasori's puppets to a theater. Of course, they would get one hell of a surprise should one start spitting poisoned needles but that wasn't his problem. Hidan had locked himself in his room as well...meditating on the floor. Little Tobi was wandering around the house going from room to room looking for his buddy, Deidara.

"DEIDARAAAA-CHAAAAN!!" Tobi shouted at the top of his lungs.

Deidara poked his head out of the bathroom. "What the hell do you want now?!" Despite the fact that Tobi was convinced that Deidara was actually a she, Deidara had no choice but to tolerate the good idiot...rules prevented him from killing him anyhow.

Tobi flew into the bathroom and pinned the blonde to the floor in a tight embrace. "Tobi found you!"

Deidara rolled his eyes and shoved the masked boy off of him. "Please go do something that like doesn't involve me, yeah."

"Like what?" Tobi tilted his head to the side.

Deidara thought hard. Well, it had been a while since he had something horrible to that red-eyed jerk...His eyes narrowed as a Grinch-like grin crosses his face. "I know what you can do for your bestest best friend in the whole wide world, yeah."

The one eye visible sparkled with hope. "Yes?"

"Go fix Itachi's shampoo for me." Deidara did his best to keep a straight face.

"Fix his shampoo? What does that have to do with you?"

Deidara shrugged. "Well, if you're gonna ask questions then I'll like go find another best friend to do it. Maybe even Sasori will do it, yeah."

For some odd reason, Tobi was convinced that Sasori was trying to take his place as Deidara's best friend. Panic shot through him and he quickly began shaking his head and hands. "N-no Deidara! I'll do it. Just tell me how."

Deidara tapped his chin while thinking. It was Thursday. 'Tonight, Itachi will wash his hair...' His eyes widened as an idea hit him. He wrapped an arm around Tobi's shoulders and pulled him close, whispering in his ear. Tobi's eye widened then narrowed as he giggled.

"But Deidara-chan, isn't that a mean thing to do?" Tobi looked at him.

"Like I said, if you're going to question--"

"No! I'll do it!" Tobi jumped up and snuck down the hall to Itachi's bedroom. Just like Deidara had said, there was a bottle of Herbal Essences apple scented shampoo plus conditioner sitting on his dresser. Tobi snatched up the bottle and ran to the laundry room.

Deidara heard the idiot run down the hall and took that as his cue to go the living room. Itachi was still in that same spot, staring at the screen as if he hadn't seen the movie before and that this wasn't his 37th time watching it.

"Hey Itachi." Deidara plopped down on the couch beside him. Itachi ignored him, biting the inside of his lip. Deidara turned to the TV and sighed. "You are like no fun at all, yeah."

Itachi cut his eyes at the blonde. "I'd rather not be 'fun' than to look like a damned girl."

Deidara's eyes widened with anger but he quickly checked it. "I bet you think I'm hot, don't you?"

Itachi returned his gaze to the screen. "No."

Deidara smiled. "Yes you do. I bet you'd love to make out with me, yeah."

Itachi shifted uncomfortably. His kunai holster was digging into his thigh. However, Deidara thought this simple motion meant something else.

"Ah, so you would." The blonde tossed his head back and laughed.

"Deidara, I wouldn't make out with you if you were the last living organism on this planet."

Deidara pouted. "Why not?"

Itachi finally turned his head to face him. "Because," he lowered his voice to a lethal whisper, "I don't like boys. I refused to make out with Orochimaru and I refuse to make out with you."

Deidara flipped his hair over his shoulder. "You're just mad because I'm hotter than you, yeah." He stood, walked around the couch, and stood behind Itachi. "It's okay Itachi. I know you want me."

Itachi counted slowly from ten to one in his head while gripping a kunai in his hand. 'Leader will be mad if I kill the 'special' one...must...not...kill...him...'

When Itachi didn't answer, Deidara spun on his heel and went back to his room. As planned, Tobi was standing there and when Deidara entered the room, the masked boy saluted him.

"Did you do like I told you to?" Deidara looked at him intensely. Tobi nodded and Deidara clapped. "Good. Now go to your room and play with your blocks."

"Okay DeiDei-chan!" He shouted then ran out the room. Deidara smiled as he went back to the bathroom and continued to brush his hair.

"Shit." He forgot how many strokes he had done...

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Itachi woke up the next morning feeling a lot better. He stretched and yawned, rubbing the sleep crumbs from his eyes. He slide out of bed and put on his blue bunny slippers. He reached up to scratch his head only to feel the blue bunny sleeping cap was still on his head. He shuffled down the hall to the bathroom needing to pee. While he was washing his hands, he happened to look up and what he saw made his skin turn whiter than the paint on the walls.

"What the hell?" He snatched off the cap and ran a hand through his hair. He leaned closer to the mirror and examined his tresses. When he realized that he was indeed awake and that it wasn't a dream, he let out an eerie high pitched scream that would put any six year old girl scout to shame.

The other members in the house all woke to the sound that vaguely reminded them of a loud high-pitched whistle. Kisame and Hidan both shot up like zombies and stared at the wall in front of their beds. Since the bathroom was right next to his room, Sasori was scared shitless and fell out of his bed, hitting the floor with a loud hallow thud. Tobi, who had already been up watching Dora the Explorer in the living room, fell off his mountain of pillows. Kakuzu rolled over and mumbled, but didn't wake up. Deidara woke slowly and smiled.

"Take that, Mr. Wise Ass, yeah." He held his pillow tighter.

Itachi continued to scream, stopping only to take another deep breath and continue screaming.

"What the hell is your problem?" Sasori stood in the doorway with his eyes closed, supremely pissed that he had been woken up this way.

"WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM?! DO YOU SEE THIS SHIT?! MY HAIR IS FUCKING WHITE!" At this, Sasori's eyes shot open and he looked at the man in front of him. His jaw dropped in disbelief as he stared at, what was normally a silky raven black color, hair that was ghostly white, devoid of any pigment at all. "MY HAIR IS WHITE! WHITE! SOME SICK FUCK DYED MY FUCKING HAIR WHITE! WHEN I FIND OUT WHO DID IT, I WILL TORTURE THEIR ASS FOR THE REST OF THEIR PATHETIC WORTHLESS LIFE!"

Sasori was still speechless.

Kisame wandered in to investigate what could possibly have made Itachi go off this early in the morning. As with Sasori, when he saw the white haired Uchiha losing his mind in front of the mirror, he became speechless.

"DON'T JUST STAND THERE AND STARE AT ME! DO SOMETHING!" Itachi literally shrieked. Sasori and Kisame bumped into each other trying to get out of the bathroom and find some sort of solution to keep the man from losing his mind altogether and attacking them all with his Tsukuyomi.

Itachi was still staring at his hair, tears falling down as his cheeks as he held a clump of his white hair in his hands. "My hair..." He sobbed quietly. This was an ultra low blow. Itachi prided himself on his looks, especially his hair.

Tobi peeked into the bathroom. "Um, Itachi?"

"What Tobi?" Itachi spoke hoarsely, almost having lost his voice from screaming and shouting. However, this did not take away the malice in his tone.

"Um..." Tobi looked down at the floor and began playing with his hands nervously.

"Spit. It. Out." Itachi turned to him, eyes flashing red.

"Tobi did it." The boy whispered.

"YOU DID WHAT?!" Itachi's hand enclosed around Tobi's throat. Itachi started shaking and strangling the poor "good" boy. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!"

"Deidara...told...me...to...put...bleach...in...your...shampoo..." Tobi gagged, trying desperately to breathe. Itachi immediately let him go when two words registered in his mind: Deidara and bleach.

Itachi's eye twitched then he looked back at the mirror. "I have bleach in my hair?" He knew that unless he cut his hair off and grew it back from scratch...it would forever be this color. He could dye it back...but then he would be a fake brunette. "Deidara..." He growled. He would make that little blonde bitch pay dearly.

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Deidara woke the following morning to the smell of bacon. 'Sasori and Hidan must be cooking breakfast.' He crawled out of bed and looked at the time. 11:47 a.m. He never overslept this badly before. He shuffled downstairs to the kitchen to see if there really was food waiting. Everyone was in the kitchen, including Leader and Konan, who were inspecting Itachi's white hair.

"Seriously, it's not that bad a look, Itachi." Hidan pointed out while flipping pancakes. Sasori stifled a good laugh while he flipped the bacon strips over.

"SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP." Itachi responded angrily. His gaze wandered over to Deidara who was now standing in the kitchen and his jaw dropped. Never having seen Itachi with this terrified expression, Leader and Konan turned to see what he was looking at.

"Oh..." Leader's eyes popped out of their sockets.

"My..." Konan covered her mouth.

"Jashin!" Hidan yelled and pointed at Deidara.

Deidara looked at them with a puzzled look. "Do I like have something on my face, yeah?"

"You wish it were that simple." Sasori commented after dropping the fork he was using to cook with. Deidara flew to the nearest drawer and yanked out a huge silver mixing spoon. He turned it away from him and used it as a mirror. To his absolute horror, his hair was no longer its natural butter yellow that all of his fan girls loved. Instead, it looked like a vivid king-sized bag of Skittles. His roots were now fire engine red which faded into tangerine orange, then lemon yellow, lime green, electric blue, and the tips were shocking purple.

"Well, I guess we know that someone," Kisame looked at Itachi accusingly, "got his revenge."

Deidara let out a shrill scream then passed out, twitching occasionally.

Leader frowned angrily and looked around at each of the present members. "I swear you all are idiots."

Tobi looked at his blueberry muffin then over at Kisame who was eating his own muffin while reading a newspaper. The butter was on the other side of Kisame. Tobi knew he could interrupt Kisame and ask him to pass him the butter and the knife so that he could butter his muffin himself...but that would be so troublesome. Tobi's face lit up with a joyful smile as he realized something. He could just ask Kisame to butter his muffin for him!

"Kisame?" Tobi tapped the blue man's shoulder. Kisame looked down at Tobi.

"What?" Kisame's voice was deep, in a very romantic way. Why Tobi noticed this, he didn't know.

"Kisame, can you butter my muffin?" Tobi held up his muffin for Kisame to see. Kisame's eye twitched upon hearing the bizarre request. He looked over to his right to see the butter tray and knife sitting there, and then sighed with annoyance. He yanked the muffin out of Tobi's hand and quickly buttered it, ignoring Kakuzu’s howls of laughter.

"Dude, you buttered his muffin! That is sooo gay!" Kakuzu had to put his head down on the table to try to calm himself down.

Deidara groaned and sat up, holding the back of his head. "My fucking head hurts like really bad, yeah."

Sasori sighed, "As hard as you hit the floor, I would suspect it would."

Deidara looked down at the bright colored hair that covered his shoulder and yelled in horror. "OH MY GOD, YEAH! MY HAIR IS LIKE SIX DIFFERENT COLORS, YEAH!"

Leader and Konan redirected their attention from the white haired one to the rainbow colored one. Deidara jumped up and threw his head into the sink. He turned on the water and immediately began trying to rinse it out. Itachi folded his arms across his chest and smirked.

"That's permanent hair color. It's not coming out."

At this, Deidara turned off the water and looked at Itachi. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT COMING OUT?!"

Itachi narrowed his eyes and spoke evenly, voice full of hate. "What part of 'permanent' did you miss?"

Sasori used his chakra strings to keep Deidara from jumping onto Itachi in a blind rage. Leader watched as the former blonde screamed all sorts of insults and expletives at the former raven-haired man, then let his head hang.

"And yet we have the nerve call ourselves evil." He mumbled.

Kakuzu by then had finally calmed down and looked up at the man. "We are evil. The two most self-centered men in this organization were seen crying within the last 48 hours. One of them looks like Gandalf the White and the other looks like he's seen, tasted, even slept with the rainbow!" Of course, this resulted another round of laughter from him, with Kisame joining in. Itachi turned and tried to jump over the table to get to him so Hidan had to hold him back while Sasori had to reinforce his chakra to keep Deidara from breaking free.

"Listen up!" Leader barked and all the men snapped to attention. He sighed and rubbed his forehead trying to fight the coming headache. "Because you all have apparently gone diving off the deep end, I'm hiring an assistant to help keep you all in order."

Hidan frowned. "Why in the hell do we need a damned baby-sitter?!"

Leader cut his eyes at him and Hidan shrunk in his seat. "Because without one, you all may very well kill each other. I cannot have that happening if my plan is to succeed. I've found one that fits the requirements of what you all need. I've made contact with her and she will be here in an hour. I ask that you please try to act like you have some sense. If not...I will punch you in your damned stomach. Got that?"

They all nodded quickly. When Leader and Konan had finally left, they all exhaled.

Deidara cut his eyes at Itachi. "Old man."

Itachi cut his eyes at Deidara. "Skittlehead."

"Grandpa Itachi."

Itachi's eyes widened with anger. "Fruity Pebbles."

Sasori shut his eyes tightly. "FOR GOD SAKES, SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!"

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Kohana knocked on the door three times and waited. As she waited, she looked around. Who knew that an evil organization was stationed what she considered to be the suburbs? The door flung open and a plant looked back at her. She leaned back a bit.

"I'm here in regards to an application I filled out to be the assistant." Her face was expressionless and the smile she wore was irritatingly fake. Zetsu stepped back and let the girl in. She was about 5'5" with auburn colored hair that had a noticeable red tint to it. Her eyes were black and almost as expressionless as Itachi's.

"Sit down. Our leader will be down shortly." Zetsu grunted. Minutes later all of the guys minus Konan came pouring into the living room. Leader sat down on the couch and Tobi sat down next to him; everyone else crowded around the couch.

"Your name?" Leader demanded.

"Kohana."

"Age?"

"19."

"Do you think you can handle these guys? They are a hand full." He motioned to the crowd. She only nodded. "What makes you think you can handle them?"

"I am a woman. It's impossible to be unable to handle a man."

Deidara nodded. The only reason he had agreed to come down was if he could wear his night cap to cover his hair. Itachi agreed to the same conditions. "She has a point."

Leader ignored Deidara's comment. "Fine. Then you're hired. You will have a 24 hour trial period. If you can last one day with them, you will earn the title of Akatsuki Assistant and will get your own cloak."

Kohana nodded. Leader left leaving Tobi to dive on her and hug her. Itachi and Deidara approached her, both wearing the most serious faces they'd ever worn. "Yes?"

They both snatched off their caps. Her eyes widened with surprise yet she didn't laugh. She looked at Deidara then at Itachi and frowned. "I thought all the Uchiha members were dead except two young brothers? I wasn't aware that an elder from the family was alive."

Itachi resisted the urge to choke and kill her.

Deidara bent down so he could look her in the eye. "Can you fix this, yeah? It's been dyed with permanent hair color."

"My hair used to be black...until someone talked someone else into putting bleach in my damned shampoo." Itachi muttered, eyes turning a deeper shade of red every time he emphasized a word. Kohana reached out and gathered some of Deidara's hair into her hand and examined it. After a minute or two, she finally spoke.

"I know a vinegar mayonnaise mix that will get that out." She spoke softly. Deidara smiled and hugged her tightly then ran to the kitchen to see if they had that. Itachi stepped forward. He refused to bend down to her so she had to stand up to get a better look. It was very intimidating to have someone like Itachi looking down at her so intensely as she examined the damage.

"You could always just dye it--"

"NO!"

She jumped slightly. Never had she seen someone so touchy about their hair of all things. "Well...I'm not sure this is able to be salvaged. The color is completely gone..." Itachi's eyes narrowed. "I can only think of one other solution but the chances of it working are very slim.

"Fine." Itachi nodded once and went into the kitchen as well. Kohana sighed. She hadn't been here five minutes and already had a crisis.

[ItachiRockstar]

Drive Me Crazy

Tobi peeked around the corner then crawled into the kitchen. He was not only a good boy, but he was a sneaky boy. It was nearly two in the morning but he was hungry! When he made it safely into the kitchen, he stood quickly and pressed himself up against the wall, eye darting around quickly to see if he had been spotted. Sure everyone else was in bed and of course no one cared whether or not he ate at two in the morning...but he liked to pretended they weren't in bed and that they did care. In fact, Tobi's mind, Leader had sent him on a food retrieval mission. This was his chance to prove that he did belong in the Akatsuki!

He looked around the dark kitchen, searching for something worthy to sneak back up to his room with. It was just his luck that a bag of Lays' Sour Cream and Onion potato chips was conveniently sitting on the kitchen island. Oh boy!

Tobi picked up the bag and eyed it. It wasn't marked so no one could claim it. The bag crinkled loudly as he opened it. He pushed his mask up onto his head and popped a chip into his mouth. "Mmm!" Mission accomplished.

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Deidara chewed on his pillow as his stomach quietly growled with hunger. In his dream, the burger he was eating was tasteless. His bag of Sour Cream and Onion chips ran away from him every time he got close enough to grab it. Finally he sat up and stared at his bedroom door.

"Shit...I'm hungry...un." He mumbled and slipped out of bed slowly. He slipped his yellow duck slippers on his feet and slowly made his way to the kitchen.

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Tobi knew that he should have went straight back to his room instead of stopping but...the chips were so good! Even though it was a family sized bag, Tobi had already made it near the bottom of the bag. He was full now. All he needed was a drink and--

The light flicked on. "...Tobi?"

Tobi turned around to face Deidara. Even half asleep with hair saluting all directions, Deidara-chan was a pretty girl. "Hi sempai."

Deidara blinked several times to adjust to the brightness of the light and continued forward. Tobi tossed another handful of chips into his mouth as he watched Deidara wander around the kitchen. "Where are my chips...?"

Tobi shrugged. "I dunno. What did they look like Deidara-chan?"

Deidara closed his eyes and rubbed them. "Family sized Sour Cream and Onion. I had Kohana go to the store and pick them up for me, yeah. I didn't get the chance to mark them as mine since me and Itachi were arguing..."

Tobi, oblivious to what this ultimately meant, nodded then tilted the whole bag up to empty the contents into his mouth. "I hope you find them sempai."

Deidara continued to rummage through the pantry. Tobi got up and put the bag in the trash. Deidara heard the distinct crinkle and whirled around to see part of the blue and white bag peeking out of the trash can. He pounced on the trash can and yanked the lid up. Tobi saw the sleepy look on Deidara's face slowly disappear and be replaced with rage.

Deidara turned to him. "You ate my chips?"

Tobi shrugged. "They weren't your chips. Those weren't marked and Kohana said that anything not marked is free for anyone to take."

Deidara clenched his fists tightly at his sides and glared at the boy. "Did you not just hear me say that I didn't get the chance to put my fucking name on it yeah?!"

Tobi scratched his head and pulled his mask back down over his face. "You once said to me, 'you snooze, you lose.'...You lose!"

Deidara's face slowly turned apple red with fury. Tobi immediately sensed Deidara's rage, which Tobi found to be as equally as dangerous as Itachi's, and backed away. Deidara took a step forward.

"N-now Deidara. I can always go buy you a new bag of chips." Tobi offered. His back hit the wall and he all but panicked. "DON'T KILL MEEEE!!"

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The house shook so hard that Kohana, who had been sleeping on the edge of her bed, was thrown onto the hard floor. She had only been able to fall asleep hours earlier after having returned from the store with chips that Deidara had requested and then finishing their laundry. Her covers fell off of the bed and onto her. "Mmm." She smiled sleepily and wrapped the cover around her, slowly drifting off back to sleep.

BOOM!

The house shook again, this time knocking her kunai holster off of her nightstand and a kunai landed less than an inch from her head. Her eyebrows twitched as if an expression was going to form on her face. She sat up and looked around then stood.

“Who could possibly be up…?” She grumbled and muttered obscenities. She found Deidara strangling Tobi on the kitchen table as Tobi flailed uselessly.

m“Kohana-sempai!!” Tobi choked out while trying to push Deidara off of him. As much as Tobi thought Deidara was attractive...he didn't like being so close to her when she was so pissy. Kohana rubbed her eyes and looked at Deidara.

“Deidara…please. Can’t this wait until morning? My brain functions so much better then…” She muttered and leaned up against the doorframe, beginning to doze off again.

Deidara ignored her and continued to hurt the good boy. Tobi’s flailing arms knocked over a glass cup and it shattered on the floor, waking Kohana up again.

She jumped and frowned angrily. “Okay. That’s it you two. Bed.” She narrowed her eyes menacingly. “Now.”

Deidara looked at her for several minutes then reluctantly let go. She had a point. In the morning, when his mind was fully awake, he could then plot a successful way to kill Tobi. He mumbled under his breath and trotted back up the stairs to his room.

Kohana moved to find a dust pan and broom. “Tobi…get to bed.”

Tobi waited until the room stopped spinning and slowly moved out of the kitchen as well. 'That blonde one sure has some anger issues...' Once Kohana was sure the mess was cleaned up, she clicked off the kitchen light and made her way back to her room.

“That was impressive.”

Kohana stopped and looked around. Her eyes settled on two gleaming grey irises looking back at her. “Hm?”

“I’ve witnessed raging Deidara in the middle of the night and it usually results in someone needing medical attention. Somehow you managed to save Tobi’s life with words. Very impressive.”

Kohana, who still had no clue as to who was talking to her nor did she care, blinked several times before asking, “And why is he ‘raging’ at this time of night anyhow? He’s usually more…” She searched for the word. “…placid.”

The eyes blinked slowly. “Yes, Deidara is the easy-going one…during the day. At night, his mind doesn’t function as normally as it does during the day. At night…the only emotion he knows is rage.”

She nodded. “Right. Make sure you tell me that again when my brain is functioning normally.” She waved her hand slightly and continued off to her room.

Leader watched her go, amusement in his normally impassive eyes. “…This one could be a keeper…”

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It was nearly nine in the morning when Kohana woke up to the sounds of Itachi ranting and raving about his hair.

“Right.” She sighed. “I have to fix that today.”

She slid out of her bed and yawned, stretching. Thankful that her room was one of the few with its own private bathroom, she quickly showered and dressed. When she figured she was “presentable”, she set to fixing her room. Once her bed was made and her weapons were back on the nightstand, she opened her bedroom door to find a piece of paper taped to it.

Kohana,
Konan and I are going out for the day on a mission. I trust you to take care of the boys while we are gone. Here is a list of things that need to be done today. When she and I return, all of us will sit down and discuss your status. Remember, I will not tolerate any disorder.

Leader

Kohana sighed. She read the list out loud to herself. “’Clean the kitchen after every meal.’ Okay. ‘Fix Itachi’s hair’….shit. Okay. ‘Clean Tobi’s room.’ Why do I need to clean his room? ‘Vacuum, take out trash, and clean all bathrooms.’ Wow. ‘Organize all books, magazines, movies, games, hair products, food products…’ …..What the hell? ‘Clean the pool.’ I’ve never cleaned a pool before… ‘Organize all closets.’ You’re kidding me.” She closed her eyes and folded up the note. “This is already hell in a hand basket.”

She decided the best way to get everything done was to go straight down the list, doing one thing at a time to prevent herself from starting too many tasks and not finishing them all. Unfortunately, the only person awake at the moment was Tobi, whom was watching Hannah Montana.

“Good morning, Tobi.” She spoke offhandedly, going into the kitchen to assess the possible damage. It was a pretty decent sized kitchen. She shrugged. Whatever Sasori and Hidan did, it couldn’t possibly be too much to handle. Since there wasn’t anything to clean up in the kitchen, she pulled out her list and looked at the next item. Itachi’s hair. She went back to the kitchen to pick up her “kit”. She grabbed pickle relish, vinegar, flour, vegetable oil, olive oil, and a cup of liquid fabric softener. She then went out to the tool shed out back and found plant fertilizer and motor oil; she grabbed two cups of each. Back in the kitchen, she took out a huge mixing bowl and dumped her ingredients in. She used her hands to mix it all together.

“What is that?” Itachi demanded, standing next to her. Had she not been used to his sudden appearances, she may have very well attached herself to the ceiling again like she did the first seven times.

“Your normal hair color.” She answered, still mixing the…stuff.

Itachi eyed the mixture disdainfully. “I hope you do not plan to put that into my hair.”

“Psht. Like it would make a difference whether it worked or not?” She eyed his snow white locks. If he hadn’t been told specifically not to lay a hand on her for any reason (of course all the others were available for torture)…he may have very well had strangled her for mocking him.

“’Like it would make a difference’—Hell yeah it would make a difference!” He pointed to the bowl. “Do you see the color of that bowl of horse shit?” He touched his hair. “I’d rather have this than to have shitty looking hair.”

She stopped mixing and glared at him. “Well then fine. Snow White.” She picked up the bowl and turned to dump it into the trash.

“NO!” Itachi snatched the bowl from her. “Just know that if it doesn’t work and you put this…stuff…into my hair…I will torture you for 72 hours non-stop.”

She nodded vaguely. “Then go grab a towel and a shower cap. It’s ready now.”

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Itachi squirmed as the cool mixture touched his scalp. The feeling of the various ingredients grazing his scalp was driving him mad and he occasionally shared a few choice words with Kohana who was taking her time putting it in.

“Must you be so slow?” Itachi whined as she added another handful.

“Yes. I was told that it must be put in delicately or else it could damage the hair even more.” She bit her bottom lip as she massaged his ends.

He froze. “This crap could make it worse?!”

“Yes, now be still. I don’t want to get it on your skin.” She lowered her voice. “I don’t even want to think about what it could do.”

Itachi closed his eyes and allowed her to finish. She put the plastic shower cap on his head and sat him up. "Am I done? Can we wash it out now?"

She shook her head. "No. Now you have to wait...about an hour."

"Fuck. No." He moved dangerously close to her. "Take it out. Now."

She shook her head and moved back, determined not to be overtaken by his attractiveness.

"Kohana, I will kill--"

A loud crash cut him off and Kohana darted off in the direction of the sound. Kohana left the Uchiha standing there and ran into the living room...only to find Deidara strangling Tobi. "Deidara!"

"You...ate...my...fucking...CHIPS YEAH!!" Deidara screamed shaking Tobi senseless.

"I'm...sorry!!" Tobi squeaked out, trying desperately to free himself.

Itachi ignored the good boy's pleas. "Deidara you tried that method of death already. It didn't work so why try that again?"

Deidara looked up at him but didn't loosen his vice-grip. "...Point taken."

A few seconds passed before Tobi was released. Kohana looked at Itachi with appreciation. "Thank y--"

Itachi held up his hand. "Don't thank me just yet. If this--" he pointed to his head "--doesn't work then I'll go suggest a few ways for Deidara to successfully kill Tobi. I am a former ANBU captain after all."

Kohana watched the eldest Uchiha turn and trot away triumphantly, leaving Kohana to stare at his back. She decided to just leave it be for the moment and go back to her list. For the next few hours she wasn't really interrupted, allowing her to get small things like organizing done. She understood why certain members' rooms were targeted on the list...Hell Tobi was a packrat!! He had things from several years before her birth!

All that was left Itachi's hair and the kitchen--

"WHERE IS VERONICA?!" Kisame roared.

"Oh no--" Kohana ran upstairs to the blue one's room.

"SHE WAS JUST IN HER BOWL!! WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!"

Kohana blinked a few times. "Who is Veronica?"

Sasori passed by her. "His girlfriend. Despite the fact that he changes girlfriends every month...he always names them the same as the one before: Veronica."

For some reason...this didn't really surprise Kohana. In fact, nothing much surprised her when it came to these people. "Um...so...what do we do?"

Kisame lost it. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT DO WE DO?? WE FIND HER!!"

Blink. Blink. "Um...so what does she look like?"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

It happened so fast that Kohana didn't even have time to think about some sort of defense. Water flooded the headquarters, washing all of the lighter contents right out through open windows...including various members.

"WHEEE!!" Tobi whooped as he literally surfed the waves of water on a kayak.

"GET OFF OF THAT!! IT'S AN ANTIQUE AND IS WORTH TONS OF MONEY!!" Kazuku yelled shaking his fist as he occasionally slipped underneath the water.

Kohana somehow ended up on a branch in a tree, looking down at the others. If she had to be soaked with water...it could have at least been warm water!

"Well...that's one way to clean things." A voice murmured. She looked up to see Leader standing on the same branch, observing things.

"Oh I can sooo explain this--"

"No need." He smirked. "You're accepted. The fact that you’re alive says you might be able to last a while here."

She looked back at the boys. Itachi was dancing happily because his hair was black again. In the midst of the debris, Kisame had found Veronica and Deidara had found another bag of chips. Tobi was playing with some of Sasori's puppets and Sasori was trying to collect all of the clean puppets. Not to mention...the head quarters was clean.

All because of a damned jutsu.

Kohana fell from the tree and approached Kazuku. Despite how scary she saw him, this needed to be done. "Kazuku?"

He turned to her, strange pupils staring down at her.

"We need to buy a van for transportation."

Few things caught her off guard. A fainting S-Ranked ninja was suddenly one of them.

"Kazuku-san?"

[ItachiRockstar]

Me & My Senpai

The world had completely stopped spinning when Tobi found out that the High School Musical marathon had taken precedence over Hanna Montana. In fact, had he not just taken his meds and eaten a good lunch...someone could have died. But what was a good boy to do?

"Ko-chan...I'm bored and Hannah Montana doesn't come on today. What can I do?"

Kohana gave it thought while brushing Deidara's hair. With her there, he and Itachi no longer had to waste precious energy brushing their hair or brain cells trying to count out one thousand strokes. "Well, when I'm done we can play Monopoly."

Tobi's eyes lit up with child-like joy. "Really?"

"Yes. It's in my room on top of my dresser." She pointed with the blue brush she was using. Tobi saluted her like a soldier going off to war then took off.

However, when Tobi got to her room...

"Zetsu-senpai, what are you doing?" Tobi asked, his head tilted to the side out of curiosity.

Zetsu dropped the blue lace boy shorts, caught in the act. "Um...I-I wanted to see what size Kohana was...s-so I could buy her some pants!" He nodded, proud that he could think so quickly on his feet. Surely this was why he got recruited before anyone else.

Tobi frowned underneath the mask. "Then what is the camera for?" He pointed to the disposable Kodak camera the mutated plant held.

Zetsu fought not to sweat from the sheer nervousness he felt from the awkward pause that followed the question. "Um...I have a bad memory. Taking pictures will help me remember!"

Tobi blinked a few times. "Ohhhh. I see...well--" His eye landed on a pair of red lace boy shorts. He loved the color red...Zetsu used this opportunity to disappear. Tobi sorted through the drawer, awed by lingerie of every color--even rainbow colored--ranging from bras to corsets. Then an idea hit him.

"Dress up!!" He exclaimed putting on a purple Hello Kitty bra and those adorable red lace boy shorts over his head. He eyed himself in her vanity mirror (ignoring Monopoly sitting in plain sight). Hm. Kohana had such good hats and battle ready armor in her dresser.

"Tobi is a sexy good boy. Mmm-hmm."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Deidara was screaming at Hidan about art again. Tobi sighed. Deidara couldn't notice Tobi's incredible fashion sense (which still consisted of Ko's underwear on his head) if she was too busy screaming, could she?

He would wait in Deidara's room to show her his "incredible-ness". He found mounds of "Play-Doh" all over the place. Interesting, it was rare that he got to play with the pretty blonde's things. He picked up a glob of clay and smelled it. "...Hey. This Play-Doh smells yucky!"

Another brilliant idea hit the good boy. Deidara-chan deserved better Play-Doh.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Konan was such a pretty woman. Not prettier than Deidara-chan...but Tobi believed he had a better chance with her than Deidara since Konan was a bit quieter than the blonde...and not as violent. Thanks to Sasori for fully explaining the "birds and bees" to Tobi, Tobi fully understood how to invite a woman to "dance" with him in bed.

But he would need paint. Kisame had taken his last paint set after trying to send an invitation to Deidara who in turn blew the kitchen to pieces upon seeing the invitation etched onto his own bedroom wall.

What could he use?

Another idea hit him. "Tobi knows!" He patted his open hand with his fist. "I can use Itachi-san's paints!!"

In the Dark Prince's room, Tobi found all sorts of neat paints for him to use. Unfortunately, Itachi was "emo" therefore only possessing purples and blacks. Tobi shrugged. Surely Konan wouldn't mind which colors. He scratched his head through one of the leg holes of the boy shorts he wore then grabbed a handful black eyeliners and purple nail polishes.

It took Tobi nearly thirty minutes (every single bottle and tube of purple nail polish and eyeliner) to paint an elaborate mural of ponies galloping happily at night underneath a purple moon. Tobi wiped a tear away and admired his work. "Even Sasori-senpai would be proud of me!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Finding out that Konan was out with Leader for the day was a bit more than the "good" boy could take. Almost worse than finding out that Deidara had taken a solo mission of going to pick up Itachi and Tobi's medications...and that Sasori had went out for a walk. Kisame was spending time with Veronica. Kakuzu and Hidan had disappeared...

Tobi sighed. After Kohana cleaned the house, she declared that they should get rid of the excess items they didn't need by having a yard sale...

Tobi pulled out a small notepad and scribbled in it. "June 13: Tobi had a productive day. Ideas keep coming to him!" He put it away and struck a superhero pose. "And DeiDei-chan says I'm useless."

So Tobi assigned himself a new mission. He gathered things from everyone's rooms that were designated to be sold in a future yard sale and dumped them on the front lawn. After ordering in a "professional" way, he went and got his cute pink piggy bank and waited for customers.

He did well for a while, remembering to charge for items and giving reasonable prices for them...until he saw a familiar face. The lady down the street was out walking her Great Dane and Tobi loved Sanzo...although Sanzo wasn't too fond of him. "May I pet him?"

"Um...well I'm not sure if--" The woman tried to object but Tobi had already reached out and was rubbing the dog's head. Not to mention she was a bit distracted by the panties on the boy's head.

"Grrrr..." The dog snapped and nearly swallowed Tobi's arm hole. Luckily, Deidara had trained Tobi to have incredibly fast reflexes.

"Well it seems Mr. Snuggles is having a bad day!" Tobi pouted. "Poor Snuggles-san."

If dogs could sweat drop, please believe that Sanzo would have done so at that moment. Customers came and went, taking things and leaving how much they were willing to pay for in Tobi's little piggy bank...while Tobi continued talking to Sanzo and his owner. As long as Tobi saw them drop something in the bank he didn't bother to stop them.

Tobi was so smart!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So far only two hours had passed. Tobi was beginning to think that a nap was something he really needed...but he was too energetic. He skipped happily to Sasori's room for one of his favorite pastimes of the day--playing dollies. All he had to do was find them...

THE CLOSET!!

Tobi snatched the door open and tons of puppets crashed down on him. "ARRGH!!" He poked his head up through the mountain of puppets, ignoring various pricks he felt all over his body. He looked around, deciding on a good dolly to play with...and what he saw shocked him.

"Deidara-chan?" Tobi stood and moved deeper into the closet and emerged with a blow up doll. She had blue eyes. 'Like Deidara-chan.' She had blonde hair. 'Like Deidara-chan.' Why was her mouth open like that? He stuck his finger in the opening. It fit but the hole was much wider than that. What could it possibly fit in her mouth like that? Why was it sticky and wet in there??

He turned the life-sized doll over and inspected her. Well she was certainly well used. Maybe Sasori played dollies with her often? Tobi's eye widened. Sasori-senpai was so cruel to keep such a pretty dolly all to himself. Tobi held the "doll" up at arm's length. She was a peculiar doll, very different from the rest. She wasn't made of wood or ply board like the others were...but, rather, of plastic. On top of that, she was filled with air, making her extremely lightweight.

...And she looked like Deidara!

"Ohh, I see...Sasori-senpai likes DeiDei-chan too!" Tobi narrowed his eye. Unfortunately, Deidara and Sasori were partners before his admittance into the Akatsuki. Surely they had a bond that even he, the good friendly boy, couldn't penetrate? Tobi pondered the possibilities...while unconsciously sticking his finger in and out of the doll's mouth.

"Why is the back of her mouth all wet and sticky?!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

He named the doll Michiko and kept going. With Kohana's panties on his head and the well-used blow up doll tucked under his arm, he decided to go pay Kisame's girlfriend a visit.

"Hello there, Veronica!" Tobi was only inches from her face. "Do you like my new hat?" He pointed to the red lace boy shorts on his head. "Or what about my new friend, Michi-chan?" He held up Deidara's plastic inanimate twin.

The fish didn't move...unless the air bubble that escaped from her gills counted.

"I don't see how Kisame-senpai tolerates you. You're too anti-social."

...Pop! The bubble exploded upon reaching the surface.

Tobi sighed and looked at Michiko, who still looked shocked beyond all logical reasoning. "Let's play a game with Veronica." Tobi found a paper clip and a straw, tore a strand of string from the lining of his cloak and made a make-shift fishing pole. "Let's fish!"

Minutes later Tobi stared at the fish bowl. She really wasn't supposed to try to hook herself...

"Uh oh."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Tobi!" Zetsu yelled from his room. Maintaining such a popular website was a lot of work. Not to mention that, due to the addition of a new female member, he had to work overtime just to keep up with the demands of his fans. So stopping to get a drink when he needed to upload the pictures showing exactly what the new member wore underneath her uniform was out of the question. “Get your ass in here!”

Tobi appeared in the doorway, saluting with his right hand with the blow up doll tucked underneath his left arm. “Tobi and his ass is here, sir!” Coupled with those now infamous pair of panties on his head (black hair sticking through the leg holes), Zetsu was convinced that the boy was insane.

“Can you get me a drink? Kohana should have some pre-made fertilizer drinks in the fridge for me.”

“Aye, aye!” Tobi ran downstairs and peered into the kitchen. Hm…Of course the drinks were right there, just as Zetsu said they would be…but why not do a little extra? He could make Zetsu so proud of him by making the bland green-ish drink extra special! The chibi thought bubble burst when the plastic doll made a noise when he moved.

“What was that, Michiko?...Ah, yes! We could add extra plant stuff to it!” He looked around. “But what exactly?”

In the cabinets, the only thing he found that resembled plant food was parsley flakes. He poured the fertilizer mixture into a champagne glass and sprinkled parsley flakes on top. Something was still missing…He went out to the shed. Maybe there was something out there besides the fertilizer…His eye landed on a bottle.

“Miracle-Gro?” Tobi thought about it. “Oh! It will make him Super Plant Man!” He ran back into the house and poured the liquid into the glass. Now what else…Sasori usually decorated his drinks that he served at their parties with colorful umbrellas. He found some in a drawer by the pantry and decided to use a yellow one. Aw, so pretty!

“Here, Zetsu-san!” He held up the drink.

Zetsu was thrilled to already have nearly one hundred hits on the new photos and requests for pictures of her wearing the items. “Thank you…” He took the glass and looked at it. “Ah! Good job Tobi!”

Music to the good boy’s ears. He bear hugged Michiko and watched Zetsu chug the drink…

…and abruptly stop. His yellow eyes dilated and he began choking.

“Zetsu-san?”

The huge…creature… toppled over backwards in his chair, motionless staring at the ceiling.

“Zetsu-san?” Tobi poked him. “Oh dear…I think I may have killed him…”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

How was he to know that they actually used weed killer? Who in the world labeled such a dangerous thing as “Miracle-Gro”? And why was he being screamed at?

Tobi had called for help and Kohana and Deidara came running in. (He thought they’d left…) Deidara nearly had a stroke upon seeing the blow up doll version of himself. Kohana royally spazzed upon seeing her favorite pair of panties being advertised on both Tobi’s head and Zetsu’s hentai/porn site. Tobi then continued to scream and point to the mutated aloe vera plant lying unconscious on the floor.

Upon realizing that killing other members would break rule number one, Deidara and Kohana began to help. Deidara totally forgot the doll and went to call the poison control center. Kohana snatched the boy shorts off Tobi’s head and tried to get Zetsu to regain consciousness.

“Tobi, go find Hidan and keep him company.” Kohana spoke comfortingly and Tobi nodded, setting off to do what he’d been told.

He found the ancient one in his “sleeping quarters” (for some reason Hidan was convinced that the word “bedroom” alluded to sexual intercourse), lying on the floor next to the body of a dead rabbit, in a pentagram made with his own blood. Hidan freaked Tobi out on occasion but since Kohana sent him on a mission…he had no choice.

“Hello, Hidan-senpai.”

“Fuck off. I’m busy.” The platinum blonde muttered back then continued humming in one flat, boring tone.

‘There’s that word again. Why won’t anyone explain to me what it means?’ Tobi sighed. He went to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of ketchup, using it to create his own pentagram…then laid down beside it. “Hidan, may I join you?”

Had Tobi not been looking at the “albino” man, he would have sworn a dog was growling at him…but Sanzo had gone to the “v-e-t”. Hm…something else to figure out: what was the “v-e-t”?

Hidan looked at the swirly Halloween mask. “I usually don’t ask this but…why?”

“Ko-chan sent me to keep you company.” Tobi stared up at the ceiling. Wow. Kisame’s jutsu actually washed the blood off the ceiling too?

“What the fuck?! I don’t need a fucking babysitter. Much less one with and IQ equivalent to my fucking pinky toe.”

Tobi hugged Michiko tighter. “Hidan…what is fuck?”

Is it possible for Hidan to get paler than he already is?

“Pardon?”

“What is fuck?” Tobi turned his head and looked at the elder.

Hidan looked at Tobi. “Why do you want to know?”

“Sasori said that people ‘dance’ in bed. But…I heard Itachi tell Deidara-chan to go fuck herself. If he meant dance he would have said that…right?”

Hidan wondered if Jashin-sama was punishing him for not sacrificing a human instead of some random animal…

“It’s the same thing. It’s just that fuck is a meaner way of saying it.” There. That should be enough.

Silence.

“So then why do you say you don’t need a fucking babysitter? Are we supposed to fuck? And why say fuck off? Or your fucking pinky toe?”

‘Okay. Okay. Stop using bad words around Tobi. Okay. Okay, Kohana I get it.’ Hidan mentally kicked himself.

“And what is a bitch?”

That’s easy. “A female dog.”

“…So Itachi-san is a female dog?”

“A hairy wet one.” Hidan nodded. As soon as he remembered what he was supposed to be doing, he planned to send the good ass idiot on his merry fucking way.

“….Hidan how do you fuck?”

‘Holy hell.’ “Ask Zetsu. I’m sure he can show you.”

“He drank weed killer.”

‘Just couldn’t wait to get out of here, huh?’ “Well, I see another member has crossed the train tracks to Wacky Land…like Orochimaru.”

“Itachi calls him Oreochimaru.”

This earned a hearty laugh from the ancient one. “That’s a riot.”

“Have you ever fucked, Hidan-senpai?”

‘Oh holy helllllllll…’

“I’m busy; go away.”

“I’ve never fucked.” Tobi said sadly.

Unfortunately, suicide was something Jashin-sama was firmly against. How in the hell would you be able to serve him dead?? “Keep it that way.”

Tobi hugged Michiko. “Maybe we can fuck.”

Of course, Hidan thought this was directed to him. “OO” ‘Jashin-sama sure has a sick sense of humor.’

“It would be so much fun! Us ‘dancing’ in bed.” Tobi giggled. “Let’s dance now!”

A sudden gust of air followed a loud terrified scream. Tobi sat up and looked around to find himself in an empty room. “…Well Michiko, I guess he wants us to use his room!”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Needless to say, all hell broke loose when everyone came home. Hidan refused to even go into his room after seeing Tobi clutching the blow doll in a very satisfied way and his bed sheets tousled all over the bed. He ignored Tobi’s explanation that he and Michiko only ‘danced’ (meaning they jumped up and down on the bed as any child would) and demanded that Kohana prepare him a new room or thoroughly clean his…maybe even call in HVAC…surely there were now unknown viruses in there…

Itachi went nuts upon finding al of his cosmetics gone…and passed out when he saw all of it used as a mural on Konan’s wall inviting her to dance with Tobi in bed. Sasori made all sorts of jokes about this until Konan pointed out that she wouldn’t touch Tobi because he was a cheater…and pointed at the blow up doll.

No words could describe the expression on Sasori’s face.

Deidara popped up next to the red head with an impish grin on his face. “So…you actually want to fuck me yeah?” Deidara batted his blue eyes at Sasori.

“OMFG WHO SOLD MY KAYAK?!” Kakuzu screamed. “FOR TWO PAPERCLIPS!!”

Everyone looked at Tobi.

“Um…I’m sorry?” Tobi shrugged clutching Michiko. The group began to close in on him, preparing to mutilate the good boy before—

“OMFG WHO KILLED VERONICA?!” came Kisame’s blood-curdling scream.

Once again the house was filled with a powerful water current and washed them outside. Deidara threw a queen bitch fit upon realizing that the only reason he couldn’t have escaped was because his clay…was blue Play-Doh. It fell to the ground with a quiet thump and he stared down at it…then at Tobi.

Tobi hung from a tree still holding onto Deidara’s plastic twin. Kohana ended up on top of Itachi, who narrowed his red eyes with an implied threat.

“As soon as I think of a lie that you’ll fall for…” Sasori stood next to Deidara and pointed at the doll. “…I’ll explain that to you.”

This saved Tobi from another brush with death. Deidara folded his arms. “Well, I’m waiting.”

Kakuzu saw the leftovers from the garage “sale” and promptly burst into tears. This shocked Kohana so badly she didn’t get off Itachi.

“Hello!”

They turned…and screamed.

“Tobi invited Kabuto and me over for a slumber party!! Yay!!” Orochimaru danced in circles around Kabuto wearing purple silk pajamas that had white and black “zebra” fur as trim. This shocked Itachi so badly he held onto Kohana fearing that such bad fashion sense could possibly be contagious. Maybe Hidan had a point and they should have contacted HVAC. “Sorry but Sasuke-kun refused to come.”

Kabuto only stared at them, apparently furious he had to share his master’s attention.

“We can play spin the bottle. Whee!!” Orochimaru continued to dance.

Everyone looked up at Tobi disdainfully.

“TOBI!!”

(A/N: Just as a reminder I have one-shots from my Naruto Make Out Paradise that actually follow this storyline.)